Life is hard. Raising children is hard. Raising an adopted child is double hard. I am questioning my abilities lately. I often feel like a colossal failure. I spoke with 3 other adoptive Moms this week. They did not use those same words but from what they told me about their struggles, they were not feeling quite so competent either. Its not enough just to love these children. They need more. So much more. And so I have spent quite a few weeks wallowing in my self-pity as I have come to realize that I don't have it in me to raise these children. I am out of ideas, out of patience, out of resources.
God has watched me wallow in this place. He's even called out to me to get up once or twice (an hour). But I've just laid there. Defeated.
But then tonight God whispered a sweet but powerful word into my ear. Chosen. I have often tried to encourage my children with this word. "I chose you," I have told them. Out of all the children in this world, I chose you as my own. Blank stare. I've had one even tell me I made a mistake. They do not appreciate this idea at all. Its just a word.
But tonight God did not remind me of my choice. He reminded me of his. "I chose you," He told me. Out of all the people in this world, I chose you to parent Vitalik. To parent Roman. To parent Vicka. Will I laugh at God and tell him he made a mistake? Will I buckle underneath the weight that my God has gently laid upon my shoulders?
Can you believe I even buckled in front of one of them? My dear sweet little Roman heard my complaining and said to me "Mom, God will help you do whatever he has called you to do." Grace? Did you say something about grace, Roman? Yes. I may be out of ideas but I am not out of grace. I may be out of patience but I am not out of grace. I may be out of resources but I am not out of grace. In fact, there was new grace this morning. And like manna, there will be just enough new grace tomorrow morning. And every morning thereafter.
God chose me as the parent of these children, not because he saw something wonderful in me. In fact, he knew I couldn't handle it. He gave me the burden, knowing it was too much for me to bear. God chose me so that His power could be made perfect in my weakness. Chosen. Its not just a word. It is a gift. It is an opportunity. It is a difficult and narrow road. Why would I have ever expected anything less?
And now may God grant me the strength to embrace his choice; to get up out of the miry clay of doubt and unbelief; and accept His generous outpouring of grace that supplies all my needs according to his riches in glory.